Blanketed
by Moon Faery
Summary: Everyone knows the old cliché. Trapped out in the cold, only one blanket, yare yare. Sometimes, things just don't work out that way. 1x2x1 - Relena Bashing


Blanketed  
Rating: R  
Series: Gundam Wing  
Genre: Humor  
Pairings: 1+2+1; 1+R (wishful thinking)  
Spoilers: Ep 01, in a way...  
Warnings: Yaoi; Blankets; Lime? OOC; Willful damage to innocent bystanding 4th Walls  
By Moon Faery

Archived: (eventually at) Moon Faery's Garden (); Kiss of Death (); Lev's Lair ()

Disclaimer: A statement created solely to save one's ass from becoming lawn for the proverbial legal mower. I do not own Gundam Wing. All materials are used without the permission of their various owners. However, this story line, original characters and plot are MINE. (Holds fic close to her.) Grrrr....

Author Notes: Lately, I've developed a distaste for writing Relena as an air headed, obsessive blonde twit. Believe it or not, I've started to find that I respect her. (The _horror_! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that steak... Green is an okay color on vegetables, but...) That doesn't mean that I can't make an idiot out of her now and then, though. Hah!

Thanks to: Anyone who's ever written a GW blanket fic. You guys inspire me to greater hights of insanity!

***

Freezing cold winds screamed through mountains, bringing sleeting snow and below-zero temperatures. Two sets of swiftly vanishing footprints followed an impossibly faint trail out of the surrounding winter-bared forest into a valley. The trail led, unerringly, to a small, decrepit cabin set directly in the middle of the valley. 

As the door closed on the snowstorm, a slender figure huddled in a corner. His clothing - all black - was warm, but not up to the challenge of a freak blizzard, being only a pair of thick black slacks with a white turtleneck and black sweater. Snow frosted his hair and eyelashes, giving the already feminine boy a decidedly fey appearance. The teenager clutched a gun to his chest convulsively, teeth locked together tightly as he fought off tremors of cold. 

"Look at this cabin, Heero! It's so... cozy." Relena Peacecraft-Dorlain felt herself shiver in anticipation as she looked around the tiny, one-room building. There was a fireplace and even a supply of dry wood, but other supplies (little things like food, water, blankets and toilet facilities - wait, that's not a supply...) were wanting, a fact obvious even to Relena's rather poor observation skills.

However, Relena knew that Heero regularly carried several items, including a blanket, matches and lotion. (She never figured out why he blushed when she had seen the lotion - wanting nice skin was certainly nothing to be embarrassed about!) They could curl up together under the blanket in front of a warm fire and talk, bare their hearts and souls to each other. She was certain that Heero would open up to her once there was no fear of anyone overhearing. There was so much they might- possibly- could- almost- probably didn't have in common! She wasn't going to let a little thing like their completely different up-bringings, hobbies, beliefs and ways of thinking keep them apart! They would get to know each other, and then they would start dating, and as soon as the war was over they would get married and everything would be perfect.

Or Heero would loose control of his rampaging hormones and throw her to the floor, rip off her clothes and make passionate love to her until the blizzard died down and allowed them to leave. That would work too.

First, she needed to get the fire started. "Heero?"

"_-Ohnonono. Ohnononono. Ohnonononono... Must..._"

Somehow, even to Relena's ears, that didn't sound encouraging.

Heero was rocking back and forth against a wall. The wall - and the floor it was attached to - were covered in years of dirt, mud and something that looked vaguely slimy. The future hero of the Sphere was cradling his gun like it was an infant and whispering under his breath. "_-Just make it go away, and I swear I'll never tease Duo about taking Your name in vain ever again and I'll make a shrine to you and keep it in Wing and..._"

"Heero?"

"_Please oh please oh please oh please..._" He shuddered harder, flecks of blood showing on his lips as he bit the inside of his mouth. "Must... resist... cliché..."

"_Heero!_"

The black-clad youth jerked back, knocking his head into the wall. Fortunately, the gun had its safety switched on. Heero's expression melted from complete and utter devastation to something a little closer to fear. "What?" he yelped, scooting a few inches away from Relena's rose-tinted world view, which surrounded her in a faintly mind-bending aura roughly three feet in radius.

Relena's blue eyes widened in sudden comprehension. She hadn't realized how much Heero's... less than peaceful hobbies must bother him! It must be so stressful, the poor dear. There and then, she promised that she would find something to help.

Preferably something that involved as few clothes as possible.

"Heero, why don't you get the fire started?" the girl wheedled, putting on her brand-new tone of voice (called Reasonable) for the occasion. "It's cold, and we don't know how long we'll be trapped..." That last was said as close to suggestively as she could manage, which was only slightly less noticeable than a fly tap-dancing on a hippo.

Keeping one eye on his companion at all times, Heero pulled some matches and tinder out of his small knapsack. Still watching Relena, he scuttled forward, lit the fireplace and darted back into his corner. It was well out of area of warmth exuded by the fire, it wasn't facing the door _or_ window and it was all too close to a corner to get trapped in, but it was _safe_, being the only place in the cabin disgusting enough to keep Relena at bay, or at least make her pause long enough for him to dive for the window.

He decided to go back to his prayer, keeping his voice low enough that Relena couldn't hear. "Shinigami, we don't talk much, but if you stop this fic without any het, I will personally see to it that a small island is named after you. Maybe even a big one. Duo and I'll even arrange some sacrifices. You don't mind OZ soldiers, do you?" And so on, and so forth. Needless to say, he was starting to crack. Little chips had already fallen off the reality center of his brain and were currently taking a swim in his Imagination Center, which was like a Rec Center only more so.

It was similar to what happened to Relena at the start of episode one.

Heero would have tried talking to the Authoress, but he had figured out roughly three fics ago that she never listened. So he kept hitting up Shinigami. If only the damned deity's voicemail would let him through!

Relena, meanwhile, was silently trying to get through to Aphrodite, who had long ago blocked her number. The fire was plenty warm, but she would have been _much_ warmer with a certain blue-eyed pilot holding her. "Heero, you must be freezing over there." She patted the warm spot beside her invitingly. "Come warm up."

Between convulsive shivers and violent chattering of his teeth, Heero muttered, "Plenty warm. Go 'way." Relena pouted at him, but he did his best to ignore her, sparing only part of his attention to freezing into a Gundam-pop. The rest of his mind was otherwise occupied.

Deep inside Heero's admittedly screwed-up psyche, his Inner Child was having an argument with his Inner Asshole. His Inner Teenager would have been involved too, along with his Inner Pervert, but they were busy rummaging through their mental store of hentai images, mainly of an Imaginary Duo in Imaginary outfits that were all more Imagination than cloth.

That was the "more so".

_--We've gotta be nice! She gave us **candy**!--_ the Child was saying, with much stamping of the feet and hissy-fitting. 

_::That was a throat lozenge, idiot!::_ the Asshole told him sternly. _::She just wants in our pants!::_

This, of course, went completely over the Child's head, which wasn't unexpected since he was barely ninety centimeters tall. _--Huh?--_

Heero's Asshole rubbed his forehead. _::Never mind. Just listen, okay? Can you do that?::_

_--... No.--_

_::Ask a stupid question...::_ Asshole sighed. _::Look. She's **after** us. All that girly kissing stuff.::_

_--Ewwwwww... Girls have cooties.--_

Relena's chin jerked up from where it had been resting against her breastbone. "What did you just say Heero?"

_::Shit! Did we say that out loud?::_

_--AH! You said the "s" word!--_

_::I'll take that as a yes... Nitwit. No wonder Maxwell likes you better than me. You're easier to screw with.::_

Inner Teenager and Inner Pervert looked up simultaneously, speaking in an odd unison. _**~~No, that's me!~~**_

_--Duo has pretty hair...--_

"Heero! Are you even listening to me?!"

To his immense charinge, Heero realized that he had just completely ignored what was undoubtedly the ass-reaming of his young life. (Daydreams, unfortunately, didn't count.)

Completely ignoring the grungy walls, sticky floor and oddly expressive expressions on Heero's face, Relena stormed over to his corner and stared the freezing youth straight in the eyes, looking as close to a homicidal puppy as is possibly without a cold wet nose and floppy ears. "You _were_ ignoring me!" she raged. "First you drag me out in the middle of this stupid storm-"

"I saved you from assassination!" Heero cut in, stupidity and indignation combining to drag him out of his pre-freeze depression.

"Then I have to _ask_ you to start a fire-"

"You could have started it yourself!"

"You're _supposed_ to love me, but you won't even hold me, much _less_ give me a kiss and now-"

"The creators said no male-female relationships!"

"You'd rather freeze to death than come and _talk_ to me!"

Heero said nothing. It was hard to argue with the truth.

Relena sniffled pitifully, wiping the tears from her eyes dramatically. "Maybe I should just throw myself out in the storm and let the wolves have my corpse!"

Against his better (read: more intelligent) instincts, Heero snorted. "Go ahead." Besides, the Authoress doesn't do deathfics very well. Or het, but that was another matter entirely.

Unfortunately, Heero's instincts had been right. Relena's eyes darkened as she stiffened in indignation, staring at Heero with a look that definitely didn't belong on a pacifist. Her lips moved, but no sound came out. Her fury was so great that she grabbed Heero by the collar of his turtleneck with both hands and gave him a sturdy shake.

Heero gasped as his head was rocked back against the wall, momentarily stunning him. Relena growled and hauled him over by the fire, rapping his forehead with her knuckles whenever it looked like he was coming back to his senses. She proceeded to strip the Love of Her Life down, wrestling with the various zippers, straps and buttons involved in Heero's outfit.

Heero Inner Selves were watching the whole thing occur with horror, unable to do anything to save their body.

_--I want my Mommy!--_

_::Get your hands off us, Bitch!::_

_~~Oh, this is so screwed up! We are **NOT** loosing our virginity to a girl!~~_ Inner Teenager was fighting the barrier Relena's knuckles had created between them and the body with all his scrawny might. Pervert had broken down in tears in a corner, muttering about how unfair this was.

"Damn it! This isn't the way blanket stories are supposed to go!" the Pink One groused, practically ripping Heero's turtleneck off. "We're supposed to get here, huddle naked under a blanket together and then have sex! You're _not_ supposed to hide in a God damned corner like a kid in time out!" The button on his pants popped off, skittering across the room and vanishing into the shadows outside the half-circle of firelight.

The Gundam pilot managed to drag himself from the edge of oblivion. Under his limp fingertips, the floorboards of the cabin shivered. His Inner Soldier (and Outer Soldier, In-Between Soldier and Really Repressed Soldier) recognized the vibration frequency. "Relena," he groaned, trying to focus his eyes on the pink blur before him.

"Shut up you!" She tapped his temple, making the boy go limp again. Protests silenced, she rid Heero of his socks (he hadn't been wearing underwear, for some inexplicable reason that she was, nonetheless, grateful for) and stood, admiring her One True Love in all his unconscious glory, ridding herself of her clothes as she stared (and drooled).

There was only one problem.

"Damn it!"

He was, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, about as hard as a goose down pillow. She poked it.

No response.

_**It **burns**!**_ Heero's Inner Pervert wailed, still curled up in his corner. Every exploratory touch and caress Relena tried made him want to vomit. 

_--Girl cooties!--_

Throwing the wool blanket over them, Relena set about her new short term goal in life: get Heero hard enough that she could take advantage of him. It wasn't working very well, since she had to stop her efforts every now and then to make sure Heero was still out of it. She was so wrapped up in her own personal mission that she completely missed the sound of the door slipping open and shut.

_::When we get control of our body back I'm gonna-!::_

"Why isn't it working?" Relena muttered to herself, trying a little lower.

"Because you're not a guy, maybe?"

She shook her head, tweaking one of Heero's nipples. "No, that can't be it. Maybe if I..." She flicked the nipple. Nothing.

"You know, men's nipples usually aren't as sensitive as a woman's."

Growling in a very lady-like manner, Relena whirled on the peanut gallery. "And how would you kno- oh."

_::--**~~The cavalry!~~**--::_

Duo Maxwell, dressed to kill in a white snow suit, grinned evilly and purred, "Oh, yes."

***

Heero finally was able to come back from the brink of consciousness enough to regain control of his limbs. He had been moved close enough to the fire that he was no longer in danger of hypothermia - definitely a good thing, according to his Inner Selves. Relena was, thankfully, nowhere in sight. He didn't think he'd be seeing much of her for a while. After Duo had roughed her up, she had been dragged out of sight. After that he must have blacked out.

Inside his head, things were anything by quiet. Duo's Inner Child had come over to visit and was currently threatening to shoot down Heero's Inner Child with a machine gun braid.

--Ba-ba-ba-bam! You're dead!--

_--Ack!--_ There was a mental thud as Heero's Child "died".

--Ha! I win!-- Duo's miniature self did a victory dance.

The tiny Heero sat up from being a corpse. _--Can I play with your hair?--_

--Sure!--

The noise was starting to give Heero a headache, but he couldn't make himself ask Duo to take the little cretin back.

Duo was sitting beside him on the floor, watching the fire and holding the blanket. He had an odd, smugly half-asleep look on his face. For a moment, Heero was tempted to look for a cat tail, or maybe ears. He was certain his Imagination was trying to paint canary feathers lying around on the ground. That was more than enough.

The braided boy turned to look at Heero, still looking pleased with himself. Heero realized, belatedly, that he was still-

"Nekkie."

That flew right over Heero's head, which it shouldn't have because he was a much better catcher than his Inner Child. "Huh?"

"You're still naked," Duo elaborated. "Nekkie."

Heero blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he thought about blushing, but couldn't work up enough shame. So he squirmed a little. It didn't take much effort and could be faked fairly easily. Besides, his Child was currently being given the Tickle Torture.

A laugh, low and sultry, rumbled up from Duo's chest, coming out as almost a purr. He had, miraculously, appeared at Heero's elbow with no connection between points A and C. "Hey, Heero?"

The Inner, Outer, Repressed and In-Between Soldiers of Heero's psyche began herding the little ones off to bed, while the Asshole made himself scarce and Teenager and Pervert revved themselves up for a long night. "Yes?" His throat went dry.

"You know how Blanket Fics always end?"

"... Yes?"

A long chestnut braid snapped like a whip as Duo pounced.

***

Down in the long-hidden root cellar of the cabin, Relena sobbed as the sounds of lemon drifted down to her through thin floorboards.


End file.
